Burnt Out
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You fixed your own problems Gift, but Loner may not be able to.. Or he may be able to with a few pointers. The things you say may be true, but it doesn't hurt to have the reassurance of a professional that there's nothing wrong with you except you're a bit lonely and out of ideas as to how to do something about it.
Before the long slippery ride into IT, I worked as a Social Worker in the UK several years ago. As you can imagine, this kind of work was extremely depressing at times, and I went to see someone about it.. Apart from recommending a change in career (into IT) because we felt I wasn't suited to that kind of work, the Doctor (my GP) suggested that I go on an excercise regime. His reasoning behind this is that Excercise produces endorphines that produce a slight high that can naturally lift you out of a low. It worked, and gave me the energy I needed to make some positive changes to my lifestyle.
But the big thing here seems to be the way you treat your co-workers.. Yes, it's difficult being the top of the pile, you probably do stand out to your collegues as a bright developer who they can bring their problems to so they can be straightened out, but they probably also feel that you are difficult to talk to because you criticise them for not being able to reach your standards, so they talk to other people because it's easier. They may not be being lazy with their coding, they may just not be able to do the things you do.. But they have a right to earn a living, they have their own positive points, and it's your challenge to find something that they're better at than you, that way you might start to learn from them too.. People who listen to you are much nicer to have a conversation with than people who put you down!
And anyway, who can blame them for wanting to take credit for an app that they developed and you tidied up.. They're only going to work to earn some folding stuff, like most of us, so if they spot an opportunity to earn just a little more folding stuff, who can blame them. They get credit for getting something done.
Put simply.. It's your life, so it's your responsibility to fix the problems in it.. Nobody can do this for you.. If you run away from your problems, they'll just follow you, the only way to be really happy is to work out what it is you aspire to, work out what you can be in reality, and be happy trying to be that.. I have a very good friend who was a railway station cleaner.. He was very happy with his life, why? Because he has everything he wants.. He's got a roof over his head, a girlfriend he adores and who adores him, he can put food on the table and most of all, he has set his goals in life within his reach.. It may not be the kind of life you and I would want for ourselves, but it does make him a good laugh in the Bar on a Friday night. His biggest crisis at the moment is the amount of litter people drop.. He moans because we're all messy, and I have to say, he's right.. I am.. And he's crap at writing code, so what?
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I will not say I have fixed my problems but I will not make the decision to see a therapist because it is suggested by one person in a very long thread, where most posts say take a nice vacation or exercise. I was born on an island I can swim like a fish almost an amphibian and I played soccer in high school which is an endurance running game, so five miles was easy but it also made me careless about my diet so I gave it up.
Running is under one hour and you get very tired, I still think it is a very efficient way to spend an hour. BTW Lorner is a woman like me and I know she is frustrated with IT but things have not changed much in the US, if you are a woman who love math, most people want you to teach grade school. I prefer telling people BI is actually simple because Ralph Kimball and Bill Inmon say so.
Kind regards,
Gift Peddie -
Gift,
I'm also a woman in IT, but that doesn't mean I believe exercise solves all problems. Being an ex-athlete, I won't disagree that it helps. I can't get through a week without three or four 2 mile walks. But as I've said before, I know a lot of chronic / manic depressives and none of them knew they had a depression issue until they did go talk to someone. And exercise certainly didn't solve their problems.
That being said, none of us are here to bully Loner into any one course of action. We were asked for our advice, and we've all given it to the best of our ability and insight. Just because you disagree with Chris's advice doesn't make it invalid. The only person who can decide whether the advice is any good is Loner herself.
What Loner does with all the information in this thread is now up to her. If she wants to follow someone's advice, it's her choice. If she wants to ignore the lot of us, that's also her choice. But the therapist idea was just a thought that hadn't been suggested yet, and should have been. Even if Loner ignores it, at least someone was clever enough to bring the idea up just in case it was useful.
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(I have to admit that the option at looking for a therapist never occurred to me. I was raised by the generation that said that if things got tough or difficult, you just pulled your socks up and kept on going).
I agree with the above post nothing more.
Kind regards,
Gift Peddie -
Thanks all to your advises. I feel you all care about me more than anyone around me at work or at home. Once I told my husband I had some problems at work, he slapped at me and said you always had problems at work, you were the problem and your work. After that I never talked to him about anything at work anymore. To tell the truth I am seriously thinking of getting a divorce. If you cannot talk to husband about anything, your marriage basically ended.
Gift and Brandie - Thanks for your concern and Chris Morris, you are right, I have to see a therapist, just to talk about my frustration, my anger and release my stress. Is it pathatic that I have no one to talk to that I have to talk to a stranger (the therapist)?
DaftUsername - You are also right. Almost in all the jobs, I have co-workers problem except one. In that job, almost every developers were very smart and we could communicate.
Five years ago, I had a job that the DBA verbally abused me every day, still I worked there for two years. Although I learnt a lot because he was so nasty and I had to do everything, at the end I had to walk out the job because I was at the edge of nervous break down. This incident was still in my mind. The last job I had, every time I got something done that the other developers could not do it, they were so jealous that they spread the rumour that I was the most difficult person to work with. Even my manager was on my side, but still it was difficult.
So now I work for a new company, but with the last two bad experiences, it prevents me from making friends with my co-workers. I just work and I do not want to participate in any social functions and make friends with my co-workers. You don't know who isyour friend and who is your enemy. Besides business, I would not talk to them for anything else. I refuse to go out with them Even for lunch because I am afraid of gossip. Sometimes I made some innocent comment and it ended up that I got a phone call from my manager asking me what I was talking about.
I feel there is no friendship in working place. You have to talk carefully because you never know who is listening.
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Loner,
I'm glad we could help. From what you've just posted, it seems you're in a lose-lose situation. Personal life stress has crossed into work stress and work stress has crossed into personal life stress. This is a bad situation for anyone and it's not pathetic that you have to talk to a stranger about it. A stranger (as in a professionally trained one) is probably the only person who can help because he or she won't have any personal stake in the outcome of the situation.
And if your husband is slapping at you, I'd say you have a bit more of a problem then just a communications issue at the house. But this is something that you should get help dealing with in addition to the work stress. Given your situation, you can't deal with one and not deal with the other. At this point, I think they're too intertwined to separate easily.
This is the point where you just need to take a deep breath, go find someone trustworthy to help you, and start looking for the fun in your life. Don't depend on just one solution to help you. By all means, go see a therapist but remember, depression or no depression, it's hard to de-stress if you don't have something enjoyable every day to look forward to. Even if it's just an exercise routine or a hobby.
And let us know if there's anything else we can do to help.
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I try to prevent burnout by having outside interests - like Big Brothers and Sisters, working out, singing in a classical music chorus, and selling real estate part time. I still put in 60-hour weeks at work. I can because we have no kids and my wife works at her job just as much as I do. I work for both the challenge and because I like being around people. Telecommuting doesn't work for me because I would be too easily distracted at home and I live 5 minutes from work! I believe I enjoy the job I have now more than any other I've had before because of the creative freedom here (small shop - wear many hats) and we use the latest technology. The worst part about the job? SOX documentation, without a doubt - it's doubled our workload and reduced our productivity.
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Loner,
If nothing else, a therapist will help you to understand the sources of your stresses and concerns about both home and work. Sometimes it takes a stranger's ear to sit and listen - with no prior involvement with each other it's easier to focus on the problems in a more objective way.
Vacations are great as a short term fix, but any problem you leave behind will still be there when you get back. Exercise too is a good release, I play rugby to relieve my stresses which means some bad news for some of my opposition (especially after a late-finishing Friday afternoon meeting!!). Having something to look forward to; either a hobby (I even tried Salsa dancing at one point - which went down well with the rugby lads), some sort of exercise, even an organised sporting team, will give you something to focus on when things are getting on top of you. Most importantly, make some time for YOU.
Even by seeking some advice on here, you've taken one of the biggest steps to a more enjoyable life - and this is what's great about this community - there's always someone who can help you with life or work (apparently there's some SQL stuff going on to, but I'm not sure where to find it?!?). It's your decision as to what path you take; we're all just here to lend a hand when anybody wants one.
DaftUsername - I'm doing totally the opposite. I've done enough making someone else a lot of money and being a cog in the corporate machine etc. I'm currently studying with the OU for a degree in Psychology with a view to working with families with children suffering disorders such as Down Syndrome and Autism. Everyone's got their niche career and after 9 years in Comms and IT, I don't think IT is mine (took me a while to figure that out, eh?).
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Loner:
If you don't mind me asking, where in the US are you located ? I'm in WI.
I've "been there, done that" re: many of the issues you've bought up and thought maybe we could talk...
Beth Ludwig
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I live in Rochester, NY.
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Hi Loner,
I am in Michigan it still gets cold here compared to Houston Texas. I blame the cold weather.
Kind regards,
Gift Peddie -
Hello loner, everyone is a loner to a certain degree; or everyone has both good and bad moment. It is a fact of life/human being. Do not feel lonely and feel bad about yourself. Have you watched movie “Crash”? Everyone/family no matter rich/poor, high-class/low-class has their own problems.
The important thing is how you look at it and handle it.
At work, everyone is different, and “working together” is the key. Try to be helpful and understanding. Sometimes you do need to be strong. If so, prepare a good reason to make people be able to listen to you. Learn to say no, wisely.
As for family, if not the right time, do not bother to bring work related problem home. Why bring bad mood home to ruin your valuable family time? Worth it? Why do not you enjoy your family time and bring good mood back to work instead, and you may share with your co-workers?
I am impressed that there are so many people response to you and give you good advice. You should not feel alone. At least, you get instant help from this site.
When I was burn out last time, I happened to walk around my colleague’s desk and found this “Wish U Enough” at his desk. I asked him a copy immediately to heal myself.
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I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive
I wish you enough rain so that you can appreciate the sun
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the goodbyes
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Loner,
I can see exactly where you're coming from with regards to the professional aspect of your life.
I came from a government department where, if you didn't look the way they wanted you to look or you didn't act the way they wanted you to act, you were subjected to exclusion from the team. I was in a 3-member DBA team where it was actually 2 teams of 2 people + 1 person (guess who the '1' was?).
I've been a loner a lot of my life myself and I tend not to make friends at work because they're just there to do the same thing I am - to do a job. I might have coffee with people occasionally or have the mid-morning smoko in favour of someone leaving but these people are just incidental to my personal life and I don't share much with them.
The people who get more of me are the people who care about me and are interested in my life. To a degree, my life is very compartmentalised and separated where work people, martial arts people, motorsport officials, dance people, cycling people, motorcycling people, and actual friends don't really know anyone else from any of the other groups. I kind-of like it like that because it allows me to keep control of who knows what about me.
I've also got a good mate with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from serving in the defence forces and he will attempt extreme measures maybe once or twice a year due to the pain. I'm usually there (sometimes with a gun being waved about) to show him that he does matter in this world - and so do you!
As far as your husband is concerned - if he is not providing support for you and is slagging off at you for whatever reason, then it is clear that his priorities lie with himself rather than the woman he has taken a vow to stand by. The choice there is very clear to me (but then, I am single and have been for nearly 8 years; have no kids and I treat women with respect (which means - NO one-night stands).
It just comes down to the bastardised latin saying that you hear around the place: 'Nil Bastardo Carborundum' or 'Nil Illegitimae Carborundum' (my corrected version even though I understand there is no soft 'g' in latin
)Don't let the bastards grind you down.
If someone is out there trying to make your life difficult, you have 2 choices: let them or don't let them.
My thinking is that I will leave people alone to live their lives but as soon as they start to meddle in mine then it becomes a case of "right - you started this - I'm going to finish it and not only make you regret it but I will enjoy it at the same time!".
Yes - it's a perverse attitude but it makes me smile to know that I have annoyed someone who deserved it
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
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